I haven't blogged in awhile, pretty odd for someone like me who always finds a way to write down her "brain farts" no matter what. It's been a busy and tiring 2 weeks. Training has started 2 weeks ago and no, it wasn't the typical FUN training where you get to chill and seize the moment of meeting new people and learning something new. I was tearing down/re-assembling DELL pc's. Learning about SATA and PATA's. I love the internet and I know alot about networking but assembling pc's has never been my thing. The other day we were looking at "part numbers" for screws, rubber stands and hindges because unfortunately people ACTUALLY call us for replacement of screws or hindges for their desktops or laptops, freakin weird I tell ya. This morning at work I was unscrewing an Inspiron notebook and pulling out keyboards and cables. What the. But just now I realized how things work better whenever I surprise myself with what I can do...things that I never even dreamed of doing. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it...I wish. lol

Anyway Tuesday was more than tiring. Katherine and I met up with Carl and Jon for breakfast. Uh yeah. It's been awhile since we all got together minus Ketts. But anyway we had fun. Breakfast became more like of a roadtrip. Ate at Paseo de sta rosa in Sta Rosa Laguna then drove to Tagaytay then to Los Banos Laguna. Oh and that's in a span of 6 hours. Pretty fast I mean quick. Slept for 3 hours then off to work again. I was groggy the whole shift, which is probably why I failed assesment, nah but that's no surprise (lol).









Friday, went to 4 malls after shift with Katherine. Was stock in traffic. Got home at their house in Marikina around 4pm. Slept for 2 hours. Played with her kids. And then went to work. I was groggy, moody and sleepy for the first 4 hours. I need 12 hours of sleep for me to function right when I'm on the night shift. But we were able to put the laptop back all together when we were asked to tear it down...so I must be functioning right that night.

Dr. Frederick Chilton: Dammit, man, you must have some advice. You caught him. What was your trick?

Will Graham: I let him kill me.
Is it ever right to stab over and over again and try to kill your heart just so you can get the desires of it?

They say that we all happen in each others lives for a reason. I just never really imagined that losing you forever is all it would ever take for me to truly understand why you were in mine. I know I promised 3 months ago that, that would be the last time I would ever talk about you or be sad about losing you. But every 3rd day of the month is the day where I feel like drifting to another state of mind, a mind that doesn't have memories of you. Every month is like a countdown to doomsday.

No one ever really looked and listened to me like you did. Unsurprisingly, no one thinks that my bitchy ever changing moods even my childishness is cute...no one but you. You're probably one of the very few people that knows who I really am and what I am capable of despite of the happy hyper frontal act that I always put up regardless of  how sad and or depress I am. YOU FIND IT FUNNY WHEN I LAUGH OUT LOUD. And maybe that's the reason why I still see you sometimes when I close my eyes. Of how you smile at me and hold my hand when we're crossing the streets. And I never (and probably never will) forgot how you smile and wave at me even kissed me on the cheek the last time we saw each other, of how you would always bring me to the bus station and watch me go every single time...of how you told me to take care.

Most of the time there's still a pang of sadness whenever I remember you, whenever I realize that your not there anymore or whenever no one's calling me or texting me every 10 minutes. And every single time your mother calls me to check up on me and tell me how much she misses you is the time where I would suddenly realize that your not coming back. No...this is not a question of weather I still love you or not. This is a fact that your gone and that I will forever be reminded of you. We had our differences and oh you bet we fought like hell. But again...it aint that easy.

It has been a  year since we called it quits. We've moved on (or atleast I did)  It took us 6 months to find ourselves and realize our mistakes and finally admit that we did hurt each other. I would often wonder why God even gave us another chance to see each other and be friends again...now I know why.

I don't think anyone would really ever understand why I'm still sad or what I really feel. Atleast not anyone who hasn't really been in this situation. I use to think that this kind of sadness and drama only happens in movies, not until it happened to me. I found an old blog entry that I wrote in 2005 about you and about how you made me feel...

    "After the traumatic aka "I think I'm gonna die" episode in my love life months ago, I promised myself that I will never let myself get back into that kind of depression that only Hamlet could recognize. I once swore to the GODDESS of LOVE that there will be no other LOVE like my LOVE for him and that i will never let myself drown into that emotional sea again, that I will not dare ride that roller coaster ride that would probably make me end up being down in spite of the wild and enjoying ride up where I could almost reach the sky. But looks like the GODDESS of LOVE is playing games on me. It's as if she's pushing me to my limits till i don't have anything left for myself anymore. Now I just feel like I'm back to picking up the broken pieces of myself and my heart, only this time it's harder only because It was broken twice as much as the last time.
   
 The walls around my heart and myself that I have so hardly built slowly fell down, I tried to ignore it till it was torn up to the middle. The walls that I have guarded so hard that I almost became jaded and dishonest of myself was not that strong after all. For so long I have tried to keep myself from reaching cloud nine again. Tried to deny and let go what i really feel. If there's one thing I've learned, it's not to assume and never fall in love ever again for someone you know you can never ever have. And I was doing a great job, (or so i thought) until HE came along.

    It never really occurred to me that everything will take it's toll on me, that being nosy will put me into deeper sh*t. As far as I remembered, it was suppose to be just one of those days where i would run into someone spontaneous, someone who thinks the way I do, someone with the same wavelength as I am and someone I could laugh with. And even though I somehow know for myself that everything's just too good to be true, even if I kept on thinking that its not gonna happen still there are times where I get surprised when a variety of  feelings slithered inside me—jealousy, sadness, bitterness; emotions I have almost forgotten I was capable of feeling.  I tried to get in touch with my cynical nature and recalled the reasons why I would rather confine myself in the first place, but I was unsuccessful. Slowly, reluctantly, I find myself leaving my personal hole, and it just felt like I was back HOME. For awhile the world seemed a better place to live in. It's as if I'm looking at the world and everything around me in a different perspective and It's as if i have a whole new eyes to use so i can smile at every little thing I see around me. It felt so good that I thought I'm ready to get back on my feet and take the risk of riding the roller coaster, again...without a safety belt on to protect me.  I ridiculously trusted that dreams could come true yet again. But like any other old story in the book of my life, I ended up being just "someone" he can trust and talk to about anything under the sun. No this is not just any story where I get infatuated by some guy my parents introduced to me. This time I'm sure, that no I don't love him but I like him and that I am actually ready to wait and be patient just so I can get to know him better. Because for the first time in my life, someone made me realize and made me feel that I shouldn't be degrading myself, that I shouldn't think of myself as something worthless to atleast have dignity and leave even a tiny pride for myself. And I know for myself, that more than anything else, all I ever wanted is to sit beside him and stare at him in awe, see him smile and look into his eyes that would make me feel that everything would be alright.

I built these sea walls around me to keep at bay the sadness of life. But one of the most difficult problems I had is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that I have a true harbor, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain. And I am back to where I was before, the wall that used to be my shelter already has crumbled down at my feet. Once more, I am everything I swore I never will be again. "

I know how much you love living in MA. Thank you for the pictures, to me they're just not pictures but a remembrance of how much you've loved me  and thank you for making me vulnerable in more ways that I could ever imagine. And again...I'll see you...

"I told them all the great things I know about you and there were a lot. I was up there for a while. I didn't tell them everything, though. I left out the complicated stuff, like how it took losing you forever for me to truly find you. And how finding you turned me into someone else entirely. That's not what they came for. People want to hear you were great. Not that were great, but also, sometimes, not so great. They want to know I miss you. Not that while I've been missing you, I've fallen for someone else. It's weird, though. I feel like the only one who would understand this is you. In a way, that makes sense. He was the one person you were yourself around. Of course he'd be that same person for me. Anyway, I left all that out and I kept it simple. I told them I loved you and that's the truth."

~catch and release

I'm not such a fan of chocolates (thank god) one because I'm not a fan of sweets (owkey not unless its mhernels cake and cadbury oh and tofiluk) second because Its fattening (and YOU know I don't need no fattening treats because of obvious reasons) and lastly because it makes me hyper...like super hyper kid gone bad chocolate overdose kind of hyperness. And that Mauna Loana Macadamias seems to have the worst effect on me. Despite all that, there are days where I seem to forget its effects on me. And last night was one of those nights.

I was out with a friend all day. Yesterday was his "I'm so depress because my girlfriend cheated on me" day. Said he called me because he knows I'm a good listener and that my reactions and facial expressions whenever one tells me stories are timeless. Inshort...he needs an opinionated clown like friend to accompany him yesterday. So we spent the whole day talking and trying to figure out why what and when it happened. And unsurprisingly we ended up with a conclusion that she is just a bitch who's scared of commitments. Anyway he gave me a box of the macadamia devil because according to him I'm such a good friend (ow riry?! uhuh! I am...I know lol). I said I can't. I won't. I'm not eating chocolates specially that one. But I was forced to do so...

In ten minutes the whole thing was gone. He was so depressed he kinda ate most of it forgetting that he bought it for me in the first place. Anyway I had like 4. So...again I ended up being so hyper and giddy. And I was awake till 5am this morning. I had to force myself to doze off. I've probably watched all the mtv's and movies on star world and hbo. I got so bored I ended up talking waaaaaaay too much on plurk.

   
kelvs thinks
Jason Mraz is awesome.
Owipotssays   
yeah he is! i have met him a few times. =) (LOL)
kelvssays   
whoa how? when?
Owipotssays   
back in 2004 when he went here for a show, i met up with him and i did an interview for mtv. then after his show, we got to hang out. :-D
klaubette    
whoa!!! :-o
Owipotssays   
yeah, he's a very nice guy. that time he was promoting his first album pa. he smokes a lot and drinks coke a lot too. (s_LOL)
klaubette    
thaaaaat is soooooo cooool!!! (LOL) too bad plurk can't broadcast the tone of my voice. (LOL)
klaubette    
and i kinda read the last sentence differently...i thought you said he smokes alot of coke. (LOL) WTF!
Owipotssays   
haha. he smokes and drinks coca-cola at the same time. nicotine+caffeine? not a very good combination. (LOL)
klaubette    
hahahahaha thought he smokes "COKE" and i was like i thought you're suppose to SNORT and not smoke coke. (LOL) owkey shutting up now (LOL)
kelvssays   
hahaha wow so you worked for MTV before.

Snort coke ei...apparently we weren't thinking of the same "COKE".  I swear...no Macadamias for me from now on...besides I ALWAYS I mean ALWAYS end up looking like these...



Oh and did I mention that I'm off to Manila again tommorow for the orientation and picture taking for the id's? Well yes I am...and they do have a welcoming slash get to know each other party at the eastwood bowling center. I know...that's kinda weird....weird in a nice way kind of weirdness because I have been working in this industry for 4 years and this is the first company that actually does that.

My brain's on hiatus...AGAIN. I know. I just have moments like this every once in awhile where it seems to have forgotten what its purpose is and just sits there inside my head. I dunno, everything's just so weird right now and none of them (I mean the things in my life) are in their right state right now. No this aint a drama neither is this one of those angst blog entries where I'm heart broken or I hate the world.It's one of those times where there's just so much going on and you can't seem to understand why they're all happening at the same time. You've been too busy and pre-occupied that sometimes you miss out on things and then one day you just stop mid air and try to figure out what's wrong and why the hell are you so tired. Meh...I know...I can be more confusing than right most of the time. Maybe because most of the time I get too overwhelmed by the things around me that I don't know how to express myself and be more understandable. Writing use to be an outlet and it still is...its just that these days, writing has been more of a shock absorber than an outlet. It's harder than other people think it is. Oh believe me it is...and for a wuss like me, I should be given an award by now for still not breaking down. I just make everything look easy...oh you bet I do. If i say all my issues one by one I might've end up writing a book thats worth making a movie version of.

I seriously think that maybe sometimes I need to atleast tell someone what's really inside my head, I'm kinda scared that I might break down one day and just go insane. Keeping things for myself is something that I've been doing since I was a kid. I don't whine and complain as much as I can. I don't like to go acting as if the world has turn its back on me as if I'm the only one who has problems and issues...because the truth is, there are so many other people out there who doesn't know where they would get their next meal while I on the other hand is complaining just because things aren't going pretty well. I DON'T LIKE DOING THAT. For me...the whole world's a shit...it's either you let it get into you or you SUCK IT UP and be a better person in the future. And so far...I think I'm doing a pretty good job on just sucking them all up. I've learned a thing or two from them anyway.


Counting down the days...
Will be back to the REAL world
and somehow I'm kinda not happy
about it.
AND SERIOUSLY...
I need to take this radar off my system

Eastwood City never fails to give me happy nostalgic feelings everytime I go there. Makes me remember how independent I've become since I started working there, of how happy I was being with the people I work with and of the first job I had that taught me alot of things. I've always been grateful of how much I've learned when I was working for linksys 4 years ago (heck I don't even know what a router is back then, now I can configure one in my sleep...yeah wireless computers too don't worry) not just with what the company taught us in training but life in general. Which made me realize that most of the time people tend to overlook and take for granted the simplest things in life and whine about the big things that often worry them. When the truth is, these things are the things that really makes us happy and complete. We take them for granted that most of the time we have to lose them first to make us realize how important they are and how much they make us happy.

I remember earning 9 thousand a month and being super stressed at work...so stressed it made me lose 30 pounds in 5 months (no I'm not kidding, and believe me...that is a miracle for someone like me who's always been a little too overweight since kindergarten) and made me look like a kid on puberty because of all the acne's I had. But...I also remember walking inside an empty office on a Sunday at 7 pm my hair still wet and my eyes puffy because I just woke up but with a huge smile on my face...happy and giddy because I am at work thinking I'd see my friends again and I'd get to yell at customer's again for resetting their router just because they feel like it...nah I'm kidding on the latter part. That feeling was incomparable. I don't remember having that kind of rush   as if there are butterflies inside me when I worked for other companies, which probably never really made me stay with them (I guess except for the last company). My life was so simple back then no other complications (nothing but my customer's thick wall that interferes with their wireless connection that is) but I asked for more and when I finally got what I wanted I suddenly felt empty and shallow asking myself why I wanted more in the first place because now that i finally have what I've been asking for I suddenly felt like I have alot back then...more than what I have now.

I've been without a job for more than 6 months, which again is waaaay too long than what I've planned. I said I just want a month break from it all...a month that turned into 2 and then 3 and then another 3 months. I remember writing a journal entry when the year started saying


I use to wonder why I suddenly lost the drive to go back to school and move South when I've been dreaming about doing that for so long and why haven't I been wanting to go back to work. And then the answers were given to me one by one. Muller's death has been so hard that I wouldn't know what to do if I'm living in Alabang and working infront of the building where he works when that happened  because I clearly remember breaking down when I heard the news. And I probably fainted if I was away when my sister was abducted and I know I wouldn't know how to react when HE decided to come back after 18 years.

Uncle Mar said that being unemployed should be treated as a guru-meditation period. It's just now that I realize that I have indeed treated it as my meditation period. Because every month that makes me step one foot back to where I started is another step forward to finding who I really am and who I wanna be.

Good news is...I'm unemployed no more (Yes I'm still kinda trying to convince myself that that's  good news). DELL EASTWOOD hired me (I have no idea why lol), work starts in a month and I'm living with my first ever housemate AGAIN. I know..it's kinda like starting all over again. Maybe this time I'll get things right. I hope...

My mom says my mood swings are crazy. I say it's not my fault...blame it on the sudden series of unfortunate events in my life. That somehow includes her, dad, brother and some other guy called "biological dad". Oh and another set of promises. Blah! I'm taking a break from all the drama and try to be stress free for the day. I've been quite busy since yesterday which is a good thing, and I will be for the rest of the week maybe (hopefully. I wish. I pray). And something really good is coming up so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes high...thinking not everything's so bad after all. I know...I kinda talk about stuff that only me and the voices inside my head (which by the way are continuously giving me stupid ideas) understands these days. Weird but somehow better in some ways since I've been avoiding conflicts slash arguments with everyone this days. I don't think I have the energy to do that now, lets save that for later. Hardly talking and JUST looking sometimes makes you realize alot of things (although it has made me more insane than sane).  Things like:

1. I'm starting to get somehow annoyed with my pouting.

I've finally finished the first season of gossip girl over the weekend. Thanks to the 70 pesos fake but oh so clear DVD I snagged a week ago. Which reminds me that the never ending drama of my own drama series called life is getting worse by the day. Things and issues are building up. More drama...drama that I never wanna go into details with because its honestly making me wanna play dead just so they can all go away. It's waaaaay waaaay too stressful that I don't even know what to feel and how to react to most of them. I usually just talk to myself this days which obviously is so surprising because I use to surround myself with people that I know I can rely on and talk to or just atleast blog about what I feel when these people are not around. Now I seem to keep them all to myself and my "writing mojo's" gone, its either that or my brain. Not a good sign...

I've been sick for almost a week now. The weather's killing me and stress too. I couldn't get a decent sleep because again I've been thinking too much. Which makes me hate myself sometimes for being an extreme person. Extreme sadness, extreme happiness and now even extreme sickness. Like I said I hardly get sick but when I do...it's super sickness. Which explains why I fell asleep in the living room the other night because I could hardly stand up the computer chair as if the internet has sucked all my power and strength. I almost crawled to the couch. Sickness+Internet+Annoying friend who can't keep her mouth shut about how stupid she thinks you are aint a good combo. Not making sense I know.

I seriously am having a hard time expressing how, what and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling now. I feel like a 5 year old kid being confused with what's the difference between red and green apples. And now I just realized that sometimes what you don't know won't kill you because when you do...IT will eventually eat you up inside and kill you slowly.  Another is that most of the time when you don't really mean it or if you are confuse of what you REALLy feel, it's better to keep them for yourself, because you never know if your hurting someone or making someone believe that its all TRUE when it isn't.

Now I just keep on reminding myself about number 23 at  "23 things I learned at 23"...repeating it to myself over and over again makes me kinda immuned to it. Uh yeah right...

Few more days...Manila...
Bags are packed...Leaving soon...

My other hardrive crashed. Yes the one with all my files in it.
Goodbye FREAKING FILES!!!

Just finished cleaning my sister's room (again) and I found old love letters in my drawer. Love letters from highschool and college. It left me feeling all highschoolish again, kinda giggly over how shallow and corny the letters are. lolz

Anyway...it's just before I got sick that I realize that a cheap champagne and wine together with cholocate mallow makes you crazy.  Makes you look stupid and knock out on the couch. Waking up with your siblings taking silly pictures of you and finding out that there's more shameful pictures on your phone. Tsk...

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