Okay so before you, (yes you) tell me how long this blog has been  "dead" lemme just tell you that one its officially 25 days before my 25th birthday (gawd it's been that long?! I'm that old?! euw) and number two I know already...my brain's too constipated or my neurons aren't just in the mood, either way shut up because I know and I'm finally writing an entry. Owkey?!

Anyway so I had this idea of blogging about myself (vain much?) 25 days, everyday till my 25th birthday...good luck to me on that but yeah...lets try to keep up.


1. A birthday Cake -- I have no idea why I have a thing for birthday cakes. I guess maybe because the best birthday's I had when I was a kid includes birthday cakes and balloons. Last time I had a birthday cake was when I was 18. Gah!


2. Surprise Birthday Party -- I have no idea what's up with me and my obsession with surprise birthday parties. This has been on my list for the past 3 years or so...ask me why...I have absolutely no idea. maybe because I like surprises, but I am at the same time too nosy that people couldn't manage to throw me anything surprising.

3. That Hoodie -- Yes that hoodie down below. I just saw this a few weeks ago online. Hoodies that KC Concepcion designed for Bayo for the benefit of UNICEF. I've been acting like a giddy giddy kid overdosed in kool aid, super excited on buyin it only to find out that they're sold out. god. where to find them?!



4. Converse Shoes -- I know its been far too long since converse started being "IN" again but its just nowadays that i finally realize how nice they are and how much they go along with just about anything. I saw one with red splats on them. They're gorgeous!

5. Chanel drop down  pearl earings -- No not the real one, because I bet it does cost a fortune, I'd probably be working half of my life before I get to pay for something like that ( okay maybe that was a bit OA). Those earrings that Kris Aquino wore the whole time of Cory Aquino's wake. I saw something similar, almost similar. Except the ones I saw only costs 400 pesos and it kinda screams "FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE" but the hell I care.


6. Old Movies DVD's -- I've always been fond of old movies. And I want the ff:

* Say anything
* 16 candles
* Breakfast at Tiffany's
* Casanova
* St Elmos fire
* The Breakfast Club
* Pretty In Pink


7. An out of town trip -- my Cvg fiends and I have always loved road trips. The spur of the moment kind of trips that only requires money for toll and gas and off course camera.

8. A drunken night and a day with THESE GUYS .

9. Be that skinny again. Gah! I've been eating too much carbs these days. I need to stop being hungry!!! I wanna be that skinny again. that was 5 years ago. Sigh.


10. Go to the gym-- I have no idea how I'd fit that into my schedule, I mean not that its been super busy of anything but hey, you know this life I live includes lots of sleep and energy. I have no idea how  and where to get all the energy but I wanna go back to the gym and work my butt off. Then again, the last time I was in the gym I only lasted for about 3 months and then I got fat afterward. Like really fat. but my arms are starting to be flabby and all since I lost all the weight I gained for the last one year...oh I dunno.



11.  MARC by Marc Jacobs Limited edition Paris Jetaime Charm Necklace -- I have no idea how much this really costs. But I found one online and being the girl that I am who just loves bright shiny things...I fell inlove with it the moment I saw it. Okay that's what I always say but whatever. It Costs around 3 thousand pesos. It prolly just costs ten bucks in the states but acck its nice.



12. That Pink Brush Set -- They're cheap. It's a set and they're pink. nuff said.


13. Fuchsia Pink Lipstick -- the kind that Molly Ringwald wore in the 80's. Yes the kind that Barbie wears! Oh they're nice!


15. A Mug. I bought mine years ago in watson's. I bought it for a hundred pesos. It fell from a bench to the cemented floor thrice for the last 2 weeks. And it finally gave up. I get dehydrated easily and my mouth dries up quickly (oh I wonder why) like I need to drink water every 5 mins at work. And lately, life's been just DRY without my good ol mug.

16. Flowers -- Now I know at one point I did say that flowers and chocolates are overrated. But I think I was drugged or somethin when I said that. Prolly a little too bitter too (ah who knows). But I am a girl. And like any other girls, I love flowers. And how sad is it to be someone who co-incidentally dated men who doesn't give out flowers and thinks its too cheesy?! Uh yeah. Last time I received flowers was 2 years ago. Muller sent me tulips ( my fave) at work for my birthday. I was like a kid who saw a rainbow for the first time.


17. Necklace watch -- Because I've always been fascinated with vintage items. And I think its so cool.



18. A Tattoo (by Ricky Sta. Anna) -- I've been wanting to get a tattoo. I have the design that I want and I even forced my sister to draw it for me. But I must admit that I am a bit chickened out by the thought of having atleast half of a needle stick through my skin for the next hour or so. I heard it felt like a thousand ants biting you over and over again only this one hurts so much better. Plus I think my parents are still gonna burn me alive if they find out I got myself painted. Yes I am 25 and yes I'm kind of still scared or them. Try having a mother like mine. Geez.


19. Cory Shirt -- Because I'm such a fan. I've been eying this "Salamat Cory" shirts in Bench for the last month and I've been contemplating to buy one because I bet everybody's got them. I want one, I just want one that's a little unique, not the kind that almost everybody's wearing.

20. Crash Course in WRITING -- I can almost hear my mother saying that I should go back to school and take something up that interests me. That home schooling sounds easy. Owkey...maybe in time. Yeah, well okay I guess I don't have much time anymore but...soon...

21. Driving Lessons -- Yes I am 25 and Yes I have no idea how to drive. I am just the type who doesn't really learn something when someone is infront of me and giving me all these lectures. I have always been someone who learns things on my own. Last time I tried learning how to drive was when I was about 16. My then Bf and I ends up fighting every session and after 4 days he gave up and so did I.


22. An Mp3 An IPOD -- Or whatever. Something that I can put songs to, more than 20 songs. Okay so I only have my phone to save songs to and listen to when I'm bored. I guess I need an IPOD already. And yes...I know mp3's so 90's. Shut up!

23.  Jergen's Shimmer  -- Okay...so I've always wanted to have one of these. I know. I just do okay? I just do. It's 600 pesos in rustan's. What the?! Really...I want one.


25. A Birthday Party -- LOLZ. Seriously, I've been wanting to have a rocking 25th birthday party since I was 10. I don't know why. But I've always told myself (since I was 10) that I want a really cool birthday party when I turn 25. My mom says "Maybe it's because you know 25's old already and that you're gonna have to start acting like one when you reach 25." LOL I dunno. I just hope things and my budget turn out the way I want it to be. And just like my 18th birthday party. I just want this to be worth remembering.

Dear Gerry,

    you said you wanted me to fall in love again, and maybe one day I will. But there are all kinds of love out there. This is my one and only life, And its a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive. I don't have a plan... except, it's time my mom laughed again. She has never seen the world... she has never seen Ireland. So, I'm taking her back where we started... Maybe now she'll understand. I don't know how you did it, but you brought me back from the dead. I'll write to you again soon. P.S... Guess what?

I've Lived, I've Loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues
There falls no shadow where there shines no sun
Catch and Release

Dear Holly,

I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you




Maybe I've been thinking about Muller too much because its gonna be his birthday soon...It makes me sad. He makes me sad. I mean thinking about him. The last thing I want right now are all sorts of emotions and drama. Then again I figured maybe it's time to finally mourn and admit to myself that his not coming back anymore. This aint even an issue weather I still love him or not, because it aint. I did fell inlove after he past away...it was just not with the right person. I dunno...I guess I'll always miss him. And I guess people will never get me when I say that I will always love him and that I will never forget him no matter what. And at the same time, be inlove with someone else. I'm not making sense am I? I know...

Tell me what could be worse than having your own mother bring you to the doctor and exchange weird glances with her every once in awhile while the doctor asks you questions like "do you smoke regularly?" "do you drink?" and worse of all "did you have any sexual activity with anyone over the past month?" "are you pregnant? don't be scared. and don't lie to me just because your mother's here." I swear I can almost see her gave me the staggering look at the side of my eyes. ah errr...duuhhhh...shoot me now because I'll be dead soon anyway...she's gonna strangle me to death I swear to god she will.

So I have been sick the whole week. Coughing like crazy and coming to work almost without a voice till Wednesday when my voice finally gave up and I have stopped making sense because all that ever comes out of my mouth are "ahhh...err..." something dumb like that. Thank god for Ninoy Aquino's death (yes you bet! not only because he supposedly woke up the democracy in this third world country we live in but also) because there's no work and I got to go home a day early than usual. Long weekend! I had screaming orgasms in my brain when I found out there's no work on Friday. I had all these ideas and plans. Till last night (friday) when the right part of my stomach started hurting like hell shit. Because I'm such an addict I shoved down 1000 milligrams of pain killer and cough tablets down my throat so I could pass out and not feel anything. Hoping I'd feel better the morning after and rush to the nearest ukay ukay store. Which practically NEVER happened for I have been awake almost the whole night last night with an unbearable pain that only the devil deserves. I kid you not when I say I've been crying most of the morning and couldn't get up because of how painful it is. My mom had to bring me to the nearest clinic (which thank god is 5 mins away from home) to have me checked. Which eventually led me to the stupid and embarrassing (but somehow funny) conversation with the doctor that almost made me want to choke myself to death because of his questions. I had to take a urinalysis to check weather I have UTI (yes yes urinal track infection...not STD you prick!) or if my kidney have stones or something (I wasn't really paying attention since I'm in pain and I honestly wanted to faint because of how painful shit It was). I was praying to god it wasn't something really serious or something that has got to do with having stones in my kidney because my parents just gave me a whole litany the night before on how much I like eating salty foods and that i should stop "drinking" patis. Plus I cannot imagine what's it gonna be like without alcohol (being the alcoholic bitch that I am). So anyway after and hour of waiting (which again almost made me faint and sweat like hell) the doctor finally announced that I indeed have UTI and gave me a whole bunch of prescription that I need to take for a week BEFORE I have myself checked again and have an ultrasound.No I am NOT pregnant and UTI is not a type of STD. Owkey?! But yes...no beer or any kind of alcoholic drinks, no fatty and or oily foods, no ice tea, no soda...I guess what he was trying to say was STOP LIVING. gah!


I thankfully don't feel any kind of pain at the moment and I hope NEVER again. Because I swear it was painful like shitty kind of painful that makes you throw up. AND Yes, my font is YELLOW because of Ninoy's death anniversary yesterday. Can you believe it has been 26 years?! AH! I'm such a fan!


 

I'd like to think or atleast make myself believe that someone has hijacked my creativity and brought it to Somalia or Zimbabwe, which explains why I have not been blogging. And there are days where I would constantly tell myself that I am working again and therefore has no time to sit down, gather my thoughts and tell the whole world about what I think of Cory Aquino's death or how my ass was grabbed by a sexually deprived Korean.

It has been three weeks since I started working again. Most of the time I would just sit down on the side of my bed at 7pm staring blankly on the floor. I would take a bath and dress up and then go to my usual routine of taking an fx and then the train and then another bus ride and then finally walking to my office. With my mind floating somewhere afar like Alaska or Africa. For some odd reason I find it difficult these days to gather my thoughts and come up with something eloquent to write about. I use to walk around for hours inside the mall and come home with thoughts and ideas to write about, sometimes even more than what I've bargained for.

I guess I have been dealing with a whole range of emotions from A to Z for the past 3 weeks, a whole range of emotions that I have been trying to ignore. Maybe because I have people telling me to freaking make up my mind and start acting like an adult because I am turning 25 in less than 3 months. Most of the time ideas and emotions would start building up all at the same time and then collapses the moment I look at my watch and realized how late I'm gonna be for work. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I remember being 10 years old and having all these dreams and goals for myself, I use to think I'd be in Med school by 25...look where I am now.

I would often ask myself if I am where I am suppose to be. I would wonder why I'm so confused of so many things when I'm nearly 25, an age where people normally knows what they want. It feels like I'm going through a middle life crises when I shouldn't be. That's suppose to happen when I'm 40 or something.

On the other hand, despite the confusion and eratic mood swings not forgetting the schedule that literally drains me out, I have once again met people that I have come to love as if I've been friends with them for years. I have been blessed with so many things but I've always believed that my family and friends are the best of them all. I guess one of the reasons why I keep coming back to the BPO industry is because of the people. Being around them feels like home. So I guess its not that bad after all...

I'm sick...
I hope I can update blogs as much as I use to. 

For some odd reason I suddenly felt the urge to meet and catch up with old friends. Those I drifted apart with since my schedule became eratic. I've been wanting to meet up with old friends from college, from NCO and CVG. I met up with an old friend from CVG 2 weeks ago, but I feel like we need more time to catch up or somethin. I have absolutely no idea why I suddenly felt like seeing them...maybe I'm gonna die or something LOLZ or maybe because I'm gonna start working again and I know my schedule's gonna be crazy again. I dunno...

Later...meeting up with some college friends. It's gonna be wicked and toxicating...


Not too much I hope...

When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind. When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply. When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around. When a GIRL answers " I'm fine " after a few seconds ... she is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying. When a GIRL lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a GIRL wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered. When a GIRL says " I love you " ... she means it. When a GIRL says " I miss you " ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.

Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person .... Find a guy ... who calls you beautiful instead of hot. who calls you back when you hang up on him. who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who ... kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Who turns to his friends and says, " That's her!! "

So I haven't blogged a decent entry in ages, writer's block? No not really, I was never a writer...well in my little world I am but not in the real world. I've been trying to steer clear away from all the dramas in my life. People have probably stopped reading my blog because it's depressing and there's nothing to read but drama. I figured I'm gonna try to write something relevant for the sake of blog hits. Then again it's been ages since I vented out and I'm honestly going crazy lately, so what the heck. Who needs blog hits when I'm close to being liable for an asylum?!

HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED and I talked yesterday after a year of not talking. I'm not gonna go into details but it has something to do with the recent ex gf. So he likes venting out on me when it comes to his love life. I was honestly shaking (and I kid you not) when he pm'd me that day after I made a comment on his fb note about what happened. For some odd reason I always find myself cursing whenever I talk to him about how crappy his love life is and how crazy and Psychotic his ex gf's are (yes including me). Though...I can say now that what I feel for him for 4 years has finally changed and that I have finally accepted that no we won't end up with each other he still has that effect on me. I guess when you have loved someone that much for a very long time he will always have a "weird" (in a good way) kind of effect on you. I have always been protective of the people I love most and I tend to over react when they get hurt, so I'd like to think that the reason why I am so pissed at that crazy crazy woman is because the ex was hurt. Plus the fact that I remember talking to him a 2 years ago about how happy I am (not so happy off course and with a little bit of bitterness) for him that he thinks he's finally find the one...and now this happened and all his wonderful plans crumbled down again. But, honestly...now that I come to think of it, I am just glad that he still thinks of me whenever something like this happens to him. It just feels good that he hasn't really forgotten about me and about how much I care for him. And really...I hope he finds that person that's gonna make him happy. That one person who deserves him and whom he deserves.

Anyway my own little drama with the L word is close to coming to an end. I think. I haven't talked much about it in awhile with anyone or even with myself. Which in some ways I think is pretty good. It's good that things are somehow clear to me now and that I have come to realize things that I couldn't see clearly before because I was in cloud nine, but now that I finally set foot on ground my neurons are working again. I know I can be a real bitch at times and my psychotic tendencies are just...I don't know...crazy. But I have loved him way way beyond one could ever imagine and words could ever explain, I guess I'm just at a point right now where I'm finally starting to move forward. Not because I want to run away from all this but because I have to, and because I need to do it for myself. I guess that "do you love me" question weeks ago has been an awakening that things aren't and will never be the same and that it was after all not all that I expected it is/would be. I guess I was expecting a "yes" on that but...you can't just force something that aint there you know. The "Why'd you ask?" answer kinda broke me ten thousand more times than I expected. Not forgetting the follow up message saying that he can't give what I'm asking for and that I deserve better. It just made me feel as if I have been asking for too much all this time and that I was just a burden to him. The fact that I felt like the only reason why he stayed with me is because he just doesn't have a choice hurts the most. I have tried so so hard and in all fairness I know he did too. But I guess I'm just starting to get tired of feeling and looking stupid. For waiting around and expecting things from him or expecting him to spend time with me. I'm DONE. Because for once I'd like to feel appreciated instead of being neglected all the time.


Gaaahh. Too much drama. I'm starting work on the 27th, BLECH! I'll be back in Manila on Thursday to finish my pre-medical examination (which I freakin hated, man the poking has just got to stop!!!). And god knows what else I'll be doing. I've been drinking too much lately (but not as much when I was working in CVG. LOLZ). I haven't watched transformers 2 yet, blame it on my movie buddy who has promised to watch it with me 3 freakin times. I'm gonna kill him if he says he can't again. I'm "scared" (lol) to go out with katherine, percy and this guy on saturday. I've been "dragged" into this drinking "session" and I don't know how but this guy's desperate and it has just got to stop. 2 bottles and I'll be gone. I promise. LOLZ. Or else I'm gonna have to start praying that Mr. transformers is free on Saturday so I can text him to rescue me. LOLZ So yeah, you figured it out right. This weekend in Manila will include transformers (should!!!), CVG cmw, vodka and forced conversation and socializing with the DELL men. Nothing grand, but It's gonna be fun. I hope.




AND!!!!

You know how Keri Russel of Felicity changed everything about her to follow "BEN" in New York so she can be with him?! You know how the Intro song goes?