freedom

that LILO (Lindsay Lohan) kind of drama that makes you wanna throw up and just die

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 08:45:29 GMT

I have spent almost the whole week thinking of a new emotional cure-all. Because yes, I am depress and fuck I don't know why...owkey...maybe I do.

Shopping...been there, done that and no I did not get tired of it. I just don't have a choice. I once spent a day swiping my card because I was so depress and feelin too shitty. Citibank can shoot me dead for owing them too much money. But yes, shopping is the cure of all the emotional cure-all's (That is...if you actually can). Because it seriously makes you feel better when you see a god damn good looking shoes and feel how wonderful they feel on your feet and actually looks good on you, thinking they're freakin made for you or how excited and giddy you are when you see that there's finally stocks of that hoodie you've been eyeing on for the longest time. I tell you...there is no better feeling than being able to buy them on your darkest hour and coming home with them on your hands, opening them and holding them while Barry Manilow is on the background singing and you crying because the world has turned its back on you. Feeling touched because at least you have these stuff even if your feeling sad and lonely.

Drinking... I have long accepted the fact that I am officially an alcoholic and that no matter what I do, It takes a whole lot of vodka or rhum or beer to make me drunk. Which therefore puts drinking to the last of my emotional cure all list. Though, drinking has always been one of the easiest solutions to taking all your worries away. It somehow makes me forget how shitty and fucked up my day or week is. It makes me happy and it makes me love the people around me more. being drunk just basically makes you forget about everything for atleast a day or two. You'd be too drunk and wasted to even think of your problems and you'd be hung over the morning after, worrying how to fall asleep and OD-ing yourself with all the paracetamol just for your headache to go away. Then again, for someone like me who knows the works on how NOT to be drunk and how NOT to be hung over and even be Not be dehydrated, what the hell is alcohol for?! It seriously just makes me crazier and more fucked up than ever. But it has always (and still is) been something that I can rely on, plus it makes me a FUN FUN person to be with when I'm drunk. Vodka? Yes...heh.

So anyway, I'm thinking of something new to do. Something that would seriously make me feel better and help me drag time and bring me to space and forget all these crazy thoughts I've been having the whole week. I honestly even got to a point where I don't even wanna go out of bed. I wanted to hybernate in my parents house and just sleep my woes away until I get a headache from over sleeping and forget all the drama. It took me awhile to accept the fact that despite all these material things I have around me, I am matter of factly lonely in real life. And I am seriously sinking into a depression that I couldn't understand. I'm scared of being alone and I want to surround me with people as much as I can because it makes me feel shitty and sad and lonely when I am. I've been thinking of exercising then again, I already did that once (yes remember the time when I think I'm actually knocked up?! stupid stupid). I've been wanting to do something new, plus the momentum's just gone. Not forgetting the fact that I actually lack of people to talk to. I mean I have friends and boy do I have a lot of them. But you know how it feels like to have someone to come home to? "The kind that would make you feel so much better after talking to them. Someone who would go with you anytime anywhere, someone you can run away with and make you feel better because at least you have him?" Because I don't...I dunno, I just want to release all the fucked up moments in my head and the stress. I can't even smoke, because I've been "hiding" in my parent's house for two days now. Trying to keep myself out of the REAL WORLD. Anyway...I'm fucked up. I'm not happy (that fucked up word is making me crazy), I am lonely and I seriously wanna get myself to sleep and never wake up until the year is over.

Trust me...there's a breakdown waiting to happen.

I fucking don't wanna see fucking red walls right now.

And I'm a fucking EMO.

fuck you

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:55:08 GMT

"He thinks he's got some kind of immunity to her headgames? That kind of arrogance is just laughable. I don't care if you are coated in teflon - if shit is being flung and you are anywhere in the vicinity, some of it is going to land on YOU."

because I don't get mad...
I GET EVEN...now watch me.

crack me

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:43:53 GMT

Dear Sean,

I hate you. I hate that you are slowly getting into me. I hate that I think about you every waking time. You are a male version of who I am, which therefore makes you a hundred and ten percent asshole like me. You are bad for me, you are fucking bad for my sanity and my whole being, still I get butterflies when I see you. My heart leaps and my soul thumps like a bunny on ecstasy. I hate it.

You told me there's so much of you that I need to know, bad things about you. I fucking hate myself for telling you that "I don't care" and actually mean it. I hate that I watched you sleep and felt like I'm finally home. I despise you for telling me that I feel home. That you wanna be with me. That we are a perfect match because we are alike. I wanted so bad to believe in you when you told me that you wanna stay with me. I know you wouldn't...asshole.

I hate that I can see through you. I hate that I know you more than YOU think I know you, that I know your tactics. It scares the shit out of me, You scare the shit out of me. Your tendencies and mine too. I hate that you never call me when I expect you to call me. I hate that I actually like the chase.

I hate that I think I'm actually falling inlove with you. You stupid jerkhead. I hate that I wish everyday you'd call or text or atleast make me feel secure. And just like the rhianna and neyo song goes..."It's not fair, how you take advantage of the fact that I [think] love you beyond the reason why..."

YOU ARE A LOSER. FUCK YOU. GO TO HELL.
I miss you... you ASSHOLE.

Hates you,

Beck

crackpot

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:25:28 GMT

Dear AA,

I hate you. Fuck off...

Love,

Klaubette

25 for 25 -- Silver and Shiny

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:53:39 GMT

"It's all about changes, making decisions, being happy and living life to the fullest."

1. Almost all things done on impulse (ie: haircuts, shopping purchases, men) are 80% more likely to turn out as catastrophes (tears, remorse, regret, contemplations of suicide) rather than sweet triumphs.

2. Love is a Vacuum. It sucks you in and no matter how much you try to hold on to something, you'll find yourself being pulled into it and then after that, you can't find your way out.

3. Turtle cheesecake is called turtle cheesecake because its a shape of the turtle's shell

4. Jealousy is a disease

5. Sometimes you have to break even your own rules to free your heart.

6. Whining about how much your life sucks does not help at all. either you get with it or get over it!

7. Everybody talks shit about everybody,it all depends on how you handle things on your own.

8. No one will hurt you if you don't allow them to...

9. "BE THE PLAYER, NOT THE TOY!" (c/o APRIL)

10. Focus on the goal of having a happy life. When someone hurts you, ask yourself whether you would rather be happy or right? Choose happiness...

11. A girl can never have too many shoes.

12. A broken heart is the world's great equalizer,because it can bring even the strongest man to his knees.

13. TRUST, HONESTY and UNDERSTANDING are the most important things in a relationship.

14. NOTHING beats constant prayers...they always work.

15. Too much of a good thing is bad.

16. You will always fall inlove again (Until you find that someone who's gonna make you wanna stop falling inlove).

17. Men will always be men.

18. Action and hidden email speak louder than words (AGAIN! c/o APRIL).

19. You don't know what you got till its gone.

20. True friends will always be there with you no matter how poor or stupid you are. They will always love you for what and who you are.

21. Money doesn't buy class.

22. I'm getting older and I'm glad I was able to over come all the trials and sh*ts that passed me by. The trials and problems even heartaches doesn't stop here, everything happens for a reason.

23. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

24. People Forget. No matter how tough and difficult you think your life is, there's someone out there who's going through an even TOUGHER life.

(Number 22 kinda sucks...what the heck was I thinkin?!)

25. Sometimes life hits you hard. So hard you start questioning life what you've done wrong to deserve to be you. You get frustrated because you are not what you wanna be (i.e a writer or a painter or a musician), You hate you're bf/husband for cheating at you and you hate the other woman for being disrespectful of you, for being such a bitch and for being such a slut. But what if its the other way around? Ever wonder what's it like to be the person that people expect you to be and the person that everyone hates? Things don't always turn out the way you want and planned them to be. Things happen for a reason, 1 to teach you things. 2 to put you in a situation you never thought you'd be in or dive in and make you feel like what's it like to be THAT person. 3 to make you a better version of what you were and 4 to have another chance and make things right.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEH!

25 for 25 -- Episodes...NOT the kind you wanna watch

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:45:33 GMT

So its the 4th...24 hours until my birthday.

Now this is the part where I'm suppose to be emo shit about being 25 and being alone. The part where I'm gonna wallow about how my life sucks and how much it sucks to be me. How alone I feel and how much of a disappointment I am to alot of people...but owkey...NO! NOT right now. Because for some odd reason I have not been having the best week of my life (well...its not like I always have the awesomess time of my life when I'm at work you know). It's only Wednesday and I feel like I've already had enough heart attacks. So I hope that the sucktitude has reached its peak. Plus I lack sleep and am in no mood to go into details and re-count the the 3 days. Urgh.

I've been asked several times what my plans are. I have all the desire to mark the "occasion" with booze and happiness and all other things that are so 25-ish. But Oddly enough I'm officially broke and so I would have to wait for next payday to celebrate my birthday.

Anyway...I'm finally logging out in 15 mins. And I'm meeting the boytoy in megamall for an early "extended" (since he's been giving me bday presents and birthday eat outs since last week) birthday shiznit. yay! And I'm excited because I seriously wanna go home now and run away from the freakin phone. Plus I wanna see him and throw tantrums at him. Heh.

We'll see how today ends. I wish to have enough Valium to OD myself and be sane...enough to last me until I finally and glamorously keel over and die of a drug overdose on the eve of my 30th birthday. I kid ya I kid ya...owkey maybe not.

Turning 25 and in a state of destitution� how did life become this harsh?

25 and poor

25 for 25 -- It's that Girl Again

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:46:57 GMT

"Leaving a love you�re suddenly outgrown can be heartbreaking, but it also shows you're strong enough to walk away from a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Moving out of your comfort zone can be down right scary but it also proves how strong you are to take the unknown. Stronger, braver, wiser. You always do a little growing up every time you do a little letting go."

Whatever happened to that courage?

25 for 25 -- Why I'm a disgrace to the human capital

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 07:41:41 GMT

Okay...so the 25 entries before my 25th birthday didn't exactly happened. It was harder than I thought and hoped it would be. I've completely forgotten how retarded I am when Its "work week" that the most "fun" and "productive" thing I ever do is attack those bitches in sorority life and fashion wars in facebook on my 15 minute break and smoke like a chimney on my lunch break (yes I know, I am cursing under my breath right now) with the boys and laugh out loud on my way home with roy bout whatever till we both can't breath anymore. Trust me, I can have the word BORING tattooed on my forehead and not have people wonder why. My brain's too constipated to produce something eloquent or witty . Either that or I just don't have much to say about how my 25 years of existence (in this 3rd world country) and my experiences led me to who I am today and made me a better person. Because yes peoplz I am worst than I could ever be. And with that I give you the 25 most stupidest, craziest and dumbest things I have ever done in my life. Prepare to be choked...

1. Some, if not all, of the men I've slept with are losers. YES they are.Unfortunately it took me atleast a year to figure out that nice guys have penises too and yes they work and definitely can have sex too. And trust me, if only my vajayjay can speak, she would've probably yelled at me and detached herself from my body just to get away from all those losers.

2. I drink like a drunken construction worker and get drunk like one too.I have no idea what the hell is with vodka, rhum and beer that makes me come back for more. I mean srsly, they bring nothing but trouble to me and my sanity. I always end up being too drunk to function and swear the morning after that I will NEVER as in NE-EH-VER drink a drop ever again and end up as usual breaking that promise. What the hell?! YES PASS ME THE MARTINI. BOO!

3. I push the nice boys away and force myself to the assholes who couldn't care less about me. I was probably a masochist of some kind in my past life. I can be the dumbest girl when it comes to choosing men. Refer to number one for reference please. These men...the bad ones...they excite me. Like a giggling HighSchool girl you bet.

4. There was a time in my life where I partee'd too much. No I did not misspelled the word party owkey?! Together with getting drunk and wasted, there was a time where I just couldn't function well because I chose to be well...wasted. It was the dumbest thing...really. It was an Amy Whinehouse kind of drama that made me hum to "REHAB" for awhile.

5. I was never good at saving up. 5 years in this industry and the most expensive thing I've ever bought was my digital camera. I'm just so good at wasting money. Shopping anyone?!

6. The "Relationship" that I'm in right now cannot get any complicated than it already is. I mean...I think I can be burned alive for this. Oh hai thar Lucifer, get me that red carpet...just not too soon. kthnx.

7. 25 years old and there was never a day since I was 20 where I missed a day without mouthing profanity and or obscenity. I mean, you can basically google my name and have the F word and all other god forsaken words typed beside the definition of my name.

8. I have tendencies of smoking like its the end of the world when I'm stressed. I smoked like one 2 years ago and finally had the guts to quite.But guess what?! I just smoked a pack the other day. Not very friendly to my lungs.

9. When I was 19, my parents were generous enough to send me to school again even after graduating college. A year after nursing school I chose to stop and be independent. It was a stupid thing to do really. I mean not that I'm regretting it or anything ( as a matter of fact I think I am...) but maybe things would've been different if I stayed home and became less bratty about being independent. Now I'm the poorest amongst the poor.

10. There were possible "relationships" in the past year that I had to let go, forever having the thought of what if's. Refer to number 6. I guess having HIM in my life makes it even more complicated because I'm stuck at being with him and all the other men that I liked remained being just my friend one because I always rush things with them and second because guy number 6 is there. Ow shut up!

11. 4 years ago my parents started fixing their papers for migration in Australia. My mother practically almost begged me to go back to school so I can come with them to Australia, being over aged and all I had to go back to school and make it look like I'm still depending on their resources and all that crap. BUT I didn't. Guess why? Because I was still inlove with an ex that took me 5 years and one dead ex bf to realize that he is after all not the one for me. Now I'm gonna be stuck in this 3rd world country. Without a family, not even a decent relationship and a job that couldn't keep me sane.

12. About 3 years ago I was in a department store buying a cheek blush, I was in line over the counter for about half an hour holding one fucking peice of blush on. I was gonna be late for work and I swear to god I was never gonna put the blush back after waiting that long only to go back and fall in line again some other day for god knows how long. So being the bitch that I am, I decided to put the blush in my pocket and just go. Yes I stole it. And guess what?! I was caught. Stupid...stupid...stupid...what the hell was I thinking?! I can only laugh at myself now.

13. In July I met someone who seriously made me feel like a highschool girl gone bad, the kind that giggles for no apparent reason. The kind that blushes when she hears his name. It was worse than a Jonas brothers fan moment. So we met up a couple of times and finally went out to watch a movie. I thought I was gonna faint and I was so ready to dial the hospital's number for ambulance assistance until I did something really stupid. Something I promised I won't do with him until I'm ready and he is too. Then poof! Gone.

14. In 2007, during the Milenyo Storm instead of being home after work my Convergys friends and I were in the middle of the Commonwealth road drunk driving. I could've died yes, but ya think I cared?!

15. I was so inlove with boyfriend number 3. So inlove I dated his bestfriend so I can be near him. Oh please! Go ahead and strangle me.

16. A year ago I was stupid enough to believe that my biological dad has changed and gave him the benefit of the doubt. My Ass! Off course he didn't changed. I'm gonna forever regret that I gave him another chance. It was like opening a door for him and having him slam it to my face with him on the other side laughing at me for being so gullible.

17. I can be an asshole friend at times. All those people I lost touch of I lost touch because I was to lazy to take the time to text them or meet up with them.

18. Ever wondered why after 5 years in the industry I am still an agent and didn't even get promoted? Not even once? Because I can be the laziest person in the universe. I quit the moment I feel like quitting.

19. I lost a 35,000 pesos worth of cellphone inside the movie house because I was busy making out with my then boyfriend.

20. I later lost that boyfriend because I told him I was still (unfortunately) inlove with boyfriend number 3 and is so confused weather I really love him or not.

21. After my last serious relationship I basically got scared to let people in my life because I am scared shit they might end up dead too. Literally.

22. I like OD-ing myself with diet pills whenever I'm depressed about my weight. It has indeed been a battle my whole life. GET A LIFE KLAUBETTE!

23. I waste money on bags and shoes. What to do with all of them? Oh yeeeeaah I'm a girl. I have all the right to. Okay. Owkay.

24. I bitch around too often. That's a given I guess...

25. I think I'm gonna be fired for having an affair with her boss. Not that I'm planning to. I mean can someone get fired for flirting? Excessive flirting maybe?

25 for 25 -- Why I sometimes wish I was never born

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:43:47 GMT

I have no fucking Idea how I'd be able to post this blog entry since heh, we don't have internets at work (losers) but I'm honestly fucking bored right now and I swear to god I'm gonna die any minute soon...die of hypothermia. My fingernails are purple and my hands are freezing cold, too cold it hurts. Geez, this office needs to lower down their air condition...either that or I'm just retarded. Plus I'm about ready to bump my head on my desk because I really...like reeeeaally wanna go home already. I freaking hate this schedule. Everyone on the team are home except for Miles and I. And we're seriously thinking of logging out an hour before our shift ends. lolz

So I hate being around unfamiliar "zombie" looking people, I can be a total bitch to unfamiliar faces. Doesn't matter if they're sitting beside me or infront of me. I can bitch slap someone right now just because I'm bored. Owkey...so that was the spoiled brat in me kicking in. But srsly, I wanna bitch slap the girl sitting 2 seats from where I am, just because she's too loud and I hate her accent.

Furthermore, let�s all pretend that I am having fun at work right at this very moment even if I wanna flush myself down the toilet out of boredom and annoyance because I am still here, talking shit about cable internet. OMGWTF!

What do you do when you're back at work after less than 12 hours and you had just 2 hours of sleep and you have a weird seatmate who constantly checks out websites of girls on bikini and asks you if tha beeyach is hot. WTF! I say stomp at yer feet and run out of the building and never come back. Ok...maybe some other time...

I am constantly drafting images of myself being a writer / artist who is willing to starve for the sake of art inside my head. And I am constantly hoping that this nightmare of working in a BPO company would end soon. Then again I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon or for the next 10 years or so, since I am the poorest amongst the poor and needs lots and lots of money for shopping and drinking...for they have always been my emotional cure-all. And without them, I am gonna die.

NO. SRSLY...I know I'm not making sense right now. I wish I can fight off consciousness and play dead so they would send me home, but that would take the Armageddon to happen. So I guess I would have to pretend yet again that I LOVE MY JOB. Meh.

25 for 25 -- Make me Happy Happy this weekend!

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:58:44 GMT